My thread of amusement.

[Britny Ylisaari]

Wanna sleep on this bed?

[Britny Ylisaari]

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

[Dillasandra]

And so VERY true!!! Thanks, Kat and Britny! ;D

[Britny Ylisaari]

Did you know there is a song for the writers strike?
youtube.com/watch?v=0I_tWfKM8ik

[Hephzibah]

Well my amusement for today was going to thrift store and buying a ton of clothes for my new granddaughter and seeing John's face and it was so sweet there was another grandma in front of us who is also the main babysitter so his jokes fell on deft ears. You got to love it

[Poison Ivy]

Don't know if this should be on the amusement thread, but I thought it was kind of funny.

I read a short story last night which was set in a tiny village in Medieval England. Not a bad story, but the language was far too modern for the time period.

Also, the author said the horses were "snickering." (What, they saw something funny?)

According to Dillasandra----who should know, she used to raise the beasts----horses don't snicker.

They whicker or they nicker, but they DO NOT snicker.

[Britny Ylisaari]

That is amusing.

And it kinda makes me want a Snickers. (As in the candy bar)

[bunbun / Hank]

NICKER...to utter a low whinnying sound; said of a horse.

SNORT...to force breath suddenly and violently through the nostrils so as to make a harsh sound.

So! since horses make both of these sounds, if you combine them you have a SNICKER! What!! You don't believe me? well then see the "New Word" thread on this board. If we can combine two or more words in order to form new ones, well, I say so can that author!

Just the opinion of your friendly neighborhood Smartass. HANK.

Besides which; Webster's New World Dictionary says; SNICKER... to neigh; nicker. BUT!! can a horse snicker whill eating a Milky Way?? That is the question.

[Dillasandra]

30 years experience with horses, and I NEVER had one SNICKER!!!!!!!!!!!!

EAT a Snickers, yup. Hell, my mare Glory once ate a hot dog with mustard and relish.

Eat WHILE nickering, possible, if sloppy.

Eat while wickering....see above.

BUT THEY DON'T SNICKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Purely human, that. And Ivy's Merriam-Webster dictionary defines 'snicker' as "A partialy suppressed laugh." Usually, in my experience, a fairly sarcastic one. And horses are a lot of things, but generally not sarcastic!

( That would be cats, for example, or squirrels, or goats! )

So, whoever wrote your dictionary clearly did NOT know horses! Is that the same one who defines 'pagan' as "Someone who does not belive in God?" Because I beg to differ there too!!!

HA!!!!!

[Poison Ivy]

Since I don't think the author of that story ever read our New Word thread, I'm just going to believe she made a mistake. So did the editors for not catching it.

I looked in the WEBSTERS dictionary we have at work, and it defined snicker as "a sly supressed laugh." No mention of horses, so I'm going to take Dillasandra's word for it when she says horses don't snicker. Especially since the dictionaries can't even agree among themselves. ;D ;D ;D

[Dillasandra]

So HA!!!!!!!

[Poison Ivy]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you
doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." she replied

"Yes, but you have all the equipmentfor fishing. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," said the game warden, and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think.

[Dillasandra]

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

[Poison Ivy]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

[Dillasandra]

At least we're honest in this country.......in Latin, 'poli means multiple, and 'tics' means blood sucking leeches! ;D